Cakin’ it or Kickin’ It – Quality Time in your Relationship

By Maco L. Faniel

Have you heard this lately, “Baby why don’t you ever spend time with me, we don’t do anything together, we have no quality time, ALL WE DO IS EXIST AND PAY BILLS?”

And in the defensive man type of way (because you think she is nagging) you say “What do you mean we don’t spend quality time together, we eat breakfast together, we drive to work together, I talk to you every day, we go to church together, DARN WHAT DO YOU WANT?  I AM BUSY WITH WORK and all this other stuff.”

Then she says, “But you have time to kick it with your boys.”

And with no verbal reply you put your head down because she just pulled your card.

What she was really communicating was her love language – quality time, but you missed that.

This reminds me of Martin Lawrence’s bit in his stand-up show “You So Crazy.”  He tells the story of a relationship where the dude wants to forever kick it with “Craig and nem” and finally the chick gets fed up and makes room for another guy who wants to spend quality time. She finally says “Sorry, I gotta go, see you when I see you.”  Yeah, it is funny but so true.

Many relationships are suffering right now because men don’t want to spend quality time with their lady.  She begs and begs, gives hints and suggestions, and even plans stuff out.  But you don’t spend time or you make fun of the stuff that she wants to do.  Or if you are not poking fun or ignoring her requests, you go kick it with your boys playing Madden 2010, golf, basketball, or kickin’ it at da club.

Yeah, we can say that times are hard because we are in a recession.  We can also say that we are tired from work and hustling, but I think she understands that.  All she wants from you is the quality time that you give your boys, work, or the strip club.  She is not necessarily asking you to spend money, but darn can’t we get creative?

Weren’t we creative when we got her?  We had the playa lines and we thought about stuff to do that would make her happy, because we wanted to win her time, love, and intimacy. So, can’t we do the same now?

We know what she likes, that is if you have been listening, and so do what she likes and SMILE ABOUT IT!  Take her to the zoo, the park, create a date night, do something to make her feel like a teenage girl again and to make her feel special.  That’s all she is asking – for quality time.

The boys will always be there, but it is hard to make up for lost quality time with your boo.

Check it…

If you love her the way that she wants to be loved, don’t you think she is going to give you the “loving” that you want all of the time?

We are all well aware of the consequences of kickin’ it too much with our boys or other replacements of our boo – resentment, break-ups, divorces, or cheating.  However, there is a way to prohibit these calamities and save your relationship.  LISTEN TO THE PRIMARY COMPLAINT OF YOUR BOO, AND THAT WILL TELL YOU WHAT SHE WANTS FROM YOU AND HOW SHE WANTS TO BE LOVED.

Oh, and ladies don’t get it twisted, men are not the only gender guilty of neglecting time with their mates.  WOMEN DO IT TOO!  Some women would rather hang with their mama, girls, sorors, or their homeboy than spend quality time with the one who loves them.  All he wants is to spend quality time with the one that he fell in love with.  Trust, if you don’t do it, there is a woman out there who has been neglected by a man who will definitely take your place.

As I look back over my adult years and my years of dating and being married, I must admit that I spent too much time cakin’ it and not enough time kickin’ it.  My mother made sure that I knew how to take care of a woman, spend quality time with her, and be romantic, but she could not teach me the value of my male friendships.

While I have strong relationships with my boys, I wish I would have kicked it more with them and less with the chick that I was with at the time.  Now the chicks are gone, but my boys still remain.  Now we are all at an age where cakin’ is required by marriage or a long-term relationship, or kickin’ it with our hustles takes up most of our times. 

So, I cherish the opportunity to kick it with my boys – either on the phone, on a road trip, or through email or text.  Kickin’ it with my boys reminds me of who I am and where I have grown, and kickin’ it with my boys allows me to let my guard down because none of us gives a care about trying to be something that we are not.  When we kick it we don’t have to be a husband, boyfriend, father, job title, or anything else – just men who share commonalities.

So, I think you need a balance of both – cakin’ it and kickin’ it.

What do you think?

Faniel is a contributing writer for Regal Black Men’s Magazine.

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