Love/Hate Relationship: Black Women on Black Men

By Brie Crites


As Black women, we have experienced the highs and lows of Black men first hand. We have carried most of their children, walked down the aisle in matrimony on their arm, and endured hours of labor pains to birth them. So, when asked what are the dislikes and likes of Black men, my Black female colleagues and friends were quick to offer responses.

And of course, the dislikes came first.

One friend (a very strong, educated Black woman) stated that the Black man always needs to be “carried.” True or not, we can all admit that we have seen or experienced the Black man that lives off of his baby mama’s food stamps and public housing. Or the Black man that “hustles” all day to make a dollar while his mama pays room and board for him to spend all his money on some new rims or some sneakers for the club. This my brother, is you being carried by us.

Another friend (who is employed at the Social Security office and has a lot of non-working Black male clients) stated that today’s Black man has lost the sense of leadership and hard-working skills of the former Black man.

She goes on to say that Black men have been spoiled and now they don’t recognize the role they are supposed to play in their families because this new generation has forgotten their own history.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is quoted as saying, “We are not makers of history. We are made by history.” I’m sure that Dr. King would not be impressed by the mockery that a lot of Black men have made out of our history and his own personal achievements for our race.

However, one friend pointed out a captivating concept. She stated that her dislike for Black men is that they are misunderstood. She explained that Black men have been misunderstood for so long that it is like trying to crack through cement to get one to realize he is loveable.

I can’t help but agree. As Black women, we want to love the Black man through their pain and misunderstanding. However, they have gotten the short end of the stick for so long that they have become calloused to art of love, especially monogamous love.

Love for one woman. Love for one family.  Instead, they have become selfish. They think about and only for themselves. As one friend said, “They don’t mentor anymore.” How are young Black boys supposed to know who they can be if there is no noble Black man around to teach them?

Just like everything has a good and bad side, so does the Black man.

Built Ford tough, the Black man is undoubtedly strong. Whether his strength is being used for good or bad, it is still recognized. If his strength is being used properly he will protect his family, fight for his siblings, and make sure that his parents (especially his mother) never go without.

Another friend (who only dates Black men) could not find any dislikes in the Black man. She takes pleasure in his walk, talk, appearance, and the smell of his cologne. No other race attracts her the way a Black man does.

When put together I must admit, there is nothing more attractive than a Black man. A Black man with a job, a sense of pride, an attractive smile, a little dose of “swag” and respect for his legacy and his people can go a long way.

Even with all the dislikes stated, I have faith in the Black man. I love him and I trust that he has what it takes to fulfill his true potential. He is strong, intelligent, resourceful, and full of spontaneity. It is up to him to dig deep down inside and find that hidden potential that our society has tried to crush for so long.

Yes. A great amount of our men are in jail. Yes. A ton of Black men lack education or workplace skills. Yes. Many of them are not the fathers that they should be. But, there are also Black men in college, raising their children, loving their wives, mentoring other Black boys, and trying to raise the standard in our neighborhoods. To those Black men, thank you and we as Black women, love, respect, and need you.

Crites is a contributing writer for Regal Black Men’s Magazine, a publication dedicated to the African American community.

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