Taming of the Cougar

By Renee Rivon

It seems men have always had names that characterize women. There’s the Tender Ronis, the Itty Bitty Committee, and there’s a group that’s so vicious they had to give them the name of an animal…The Cougars.  

Cougars seem to be snatching up younger men, teaching them about life and romance and all the while giving them everything they want.

How do these relationships really work out? Is it a happy ending like Terry McMillian’s How Stella Got Her Groove Back or does it end with the man’s head spinning after she loved him then left him? Can younger men really tame a Cougar?

In a club or party setting, it use to be young, perky, ladies wearing a mini skirt and heels that could easily turn men’s heads, but now men are turning their heads in another direction. 

They seem to be more interested in the older, sophisticated, experienced woman.  You know the type; the Angela Bassett’s, the Lynn Whitfield’s and the Stacey Dash’s of the world are becoming the most desirable by younger men. Leaving the younger women asking the question, “How are they taking all of our men?”

I was leaving a friend’s birthday party and my friend and I saw an older woman with a younger man leaving the club. She looked great and you could hardly tell her age. We couldn’t take our eyes off of them and wondered what they had in common. 

After SHE paid the valet and tipped them well, her brand new Lexus pulled up, they got in and she zipped off.  My friend commented, “Well, I guess she’s taking very good care of him.”

Is that the reason men are dating Cougars (because of financial reasons), or is that something younger women tell themselves to ease their minds?

Is it that Cougars know something that their younger counterparts don’t…how to take care of a man and all of his needs? Why are more men really dating Cougars?

“Older women seem to be more direct when expressing expectations because they have gone through all of the B.S., so they know exactly what they want,” says Gerald Gerard. “Younger women are still learning and may not know what they want yet, so they are pretty much a blank slate and you can do whatever you want to them.”

Marion Kendrick, a comedian says, “Aside from her wearing White Diamonds perfume, she was gorgeous, banging body, and fantastic sex. You would have never thought she was her age.”

“When dating a Cougar you see that she understands her female power,” expresses Dave. “She demonstrated a confidence that’s different from younger women.  She called the shots because she wanted to.  And I think that’s the root of the difference; many women allow men to make too many decisions for them. 

“And I’m not talking about telling them what to do.  I’m talking about women wanting a man or wanting him to want them so bad that they wait for the man to define the terms of the relationship.  A woman may want a guy, but because of the way she thinks he or (how) the world will perceive her, she will not make that move.  Older women who date younger men have already told themselves that that’s what they want and they don’t care what the world thinks.”

One question many people all over the world think about when they see a man dating a Cougar is how far can their relationship go? Is there really a long term future?

“Dating a Cougar can be long term, but it depends on how much older,” continues Gerald.  “I mean, am I going to be younger than my new stepson? Also, our future depends on how fine she is. Vanessa Williams fine? Then yes there is a future. Betty White fine…then no we can’t kick it until eternity…but I still may date Betty White,” he says jokingly.

Marion adds, “I’d also like more than one child. She and I had this conversation in the beginning. We ignored it as if it was something minor, but this was actually a big deal and time was not on our side.

“She explained to me that as a woman gets older the risks of birth defects are higher. She also suggested using a surrogate mother in Honduras who charges $5k to carry the child. Call me old school, but I’m not letting a woman in Honduras carry my child! Then my mom brought up menopause and (a) woman’s sex drive goes down afterwards. This was too deep for me. I’m too young to be worried about women PAUSING and FLASHING!”

It seems that if a man wants kids and his Cougar is done, there isn’t much of a future.  Doesn’t that leave the Cougar out in the cold after the relationship is over?

“No,” continues Dave. “It seems like she just wanted to try things on me. That woman did exactly what she said she would do, turn me out! After our courtship ended, she changed her number.” I have no idea what happened. She was one of my teachers in the world of sex.”

One thing I’ve learned from talking to these men is that younger women and Cougars approach men differently.  Women have been taught when you see a man you’re interested in, give him a little eye contact, play shy, and wait for him to approach you. That’s not how a Cougar would approach a man.

Dave tells me about his first encounter with a Cougar.

“I have to say that I’d never met a woman at that time who was so confident and direct in going after what she wanted.  Honestly, she scared me at first because she had no cut.  It was straight up, ‘Hi.  My name is Brenda.  You’re cute.  Are you dating anyone?  I bet I could turn you out!’  I said thank you and within a week we went out.  We got drinks, we went back to my apartment and she literally had her way with me.” 

Young ladies did you take notes? Men want to feel wanted. They like being approached by women instead of always having to approach them.

“Younger women just talk about getting married, their friends, what’s on TV, and did I mention getting married,” says Eddie. “Dating a Cougar you get an honest relationship, wonderful conversations, and they are in no rush to discuss marriage, probably because they are divorced and are ready to just enjoy life.”

It seems for these men dating a Cougar is wonderful, but there is a downside.

“The problem is older women that I’ve come across in recent years are so bitter that it’s hard to get to really know them and like them,” continues Dave.  “And I’ve had that happen about three times.  I love older women, but sometimes it can be hard to deal with them.  In my experience, older women end up going for younger men as an alternative to men their own age.  At this point, they’re one step away from leaving the dating pool for men altogether and switching teams.”

Not all men feel that dating a Cougar is different than dating a younger woman.

“There is no difference between a younger woman and an older woman,” replies Lorenzo Hunt. “The ways and wants of an older woman is the same as a younger woman. They all want the same thing, to be loved, understood and to be trusted.

“If you hurt a younger woman, you will get the same response if you hurt an older woman. A woman will marry no matter the age. The only thing to learn is about the person you’re in a relationship with whether young or old. The experience is the same sexually. An orgasm is just that…..an orgasm. The connection is what makes it great between you and her…age doesn’t matter!”

I agree, if a woman has her heart broken at any age, it will have a lasting hurtful effect. Every woman no matter if she’s a Cougar, a Tender Roni, or even Aretha Franklin, they all want the same thing, RESPECT. Just find out what it means to your woman.

Rivon is a contributing writer for Regal Magazine, a publication dedicated to the African American community.

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