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What Happens When Sex With Your Spouse Ceases?

by Renee Rivon

Not having sex with your spouse can obviously threaten one's marriage (Photo courtesy of mygospeltoday.com).

How to Fix Sexless Marriages

“When we were first married it happened often, then not so often at all. I knew there was a problem because it wasn’t so often anymore, and I didn’t care to ask her why because I was upset.

“Then I started coming home, getting a blanket and sleeping on the couch because I didn’t want to be near her. We finally divorced,” explained Mr. Jones about sex with his spouse or lack thereof, which led to their divorce.

For some, when you are dating sex is unlimited, fun and spontaneous! So you figure you will get married and you will have the best of both worlds; partnership, love, kids, property and sex with your spouse daily. Right?

This is true for some marriages and for others not true at all. What is missing from those sexless marriages that the other couples have an abundance of?

“Me and my wife are passionate,” said Michael. “We have problems, but it doesn’t outweigh the passion and love we have for each other. We have sex pretty much every other day. It’s important to keep sex with your spouse spicy. My wife may ask me what turns me on, and a week later she will do some of those things and vice versa.

“It helps keep our passion going because even in the midst of a horrible fight we can still make love. I guess we give the true meaning to the phrase ‘Love and War.’ But just because we make love often doesn’t mean that’s all we have; we are best friends. Once we are older and sex will be obsolete, that friendship will keep us together; it will keep us intertwined. That’s what I’m more excited about, growing old with her.”

Mr. Jones added, “Yes, I believe one big thing that keeps sex with your spouse going strong is passion. But once you put that ring on your wife’s finger, her passion tends to turn into laziness. I’m not solely putting it on the woman because I do know men who turn lazy. They rather sit on the couch and not be romantic anymore. That will end the sex with your spouse faster than a speeding bullet! I believe the frequency of sex is up to your wife’s sex drive. If it’s low, you will not be having sex! Ladies should know if they have sex with their spouse as often as he wants to, he will give her anything she wants.”

But sometimes if your partner doesn’t want to have sex, being lazy may not be the problem; there could be a bigger issue they are dealing with.

“I’m a woman and I enjoy sex,” said Nicole. “If we are not having sex, there are some psychological issues going on that need to be dealt with. I don’t think women withhold sex from their spouses intentionally. I believe that women are emotional beings and most women draw from their emotional connection to their spouse when it comes to the physical aspect of our relationships. So if our spouse has done something that initiates an emotional disconnect, we're not going to want to have to connect with him sexually.”

If there is a problem going on, women tend to disconnect from sex and men realize there is a problem once the sex stops. Without effective communication where could this leave a couple?

“Cheating and the wandering eye could creep into your marriage,” said Michael. “We are all humans with needs and some men will find their way to seeing other women and going to the strip club.”

Another variable that causes sex with your spouse to be null and void is children.

“We use to have sex three to four times a week until we had the baby,” said Larry. “She’s tired because she also works, and I’m aware of that, so I don’t bug her about it because I understand. We have older kids and I know once the baby gets to a certain age, our sex life will be back to normal.”

The biggest issue the men that were interviewed had was this: When women are dating they have all the sex in the world but when they get married they stop. Why is this happening?

“They got what they wanted,” said Mr. Jones. “They got the ring. In the beginning, they have sex with us to get what they want, the ring. Which is not fair because I got married to have sex; they have sex to get married! There lies the problem. Of course I got married for other things, but I’m a Christian and I wanted to have guilt free sex with one woman that I love for the rest of my life, and when the sex ended, so did our marriage.”

Marlon said, “I have a friend who has sex maybe once a month or longer. I believe sex with your spouse is rooted in the connection between both parties. If there is an issue the first thing to go is the sex.

“Sexual attraction does not begin in the bedroom and is not totally physical for most people. It begins way before that for most, especially for women. If you are fulfilling what she is looking for in a mate she will reciprocate. A marriage is real work as I'm learning, but sex is not a goal, it's a bi-product of the connection you are building.”

If sex with your spouse starts before you get into the bedroom, what can you do to spice things up?

“The wife could send pictures of herself throughout the day,” said Michael. “She could dress nice for him when they go out, dance for him, or even sit and listen to him rant about his day. And he could listen to her, romance her, cook for her, take her out and get off the couch.”

If sex with your spouse is dwindling, maybe you should stop and ask why. Then communicate with your partner about their feelings and see if they are having problems that are preventing them from having a healthy sexual relationship.

Once that’s worked out, “fellas” get off the couch and get dressed and date your wife. Ladies, dress sexy, pay him attention so you can keep his attention on you, til death do you part!

This article was published on Friday 26 April, 2013.
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