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Does the Perfect Mate Exist?

Weird Science—Making the Perfect Mate

By Maco L. Faniel

Here is the question:  If you had the opportunity to create your perfect mate which celebrities or historical figures would you combine?

OK, now you’ve had enough time to conjure up a few people.  Now let me ask you this: Is there really such a thing as the perfect mate?

You probably have a list of the qualities that you want in that perfect girl or man, and you’re probably in search for this person right now.  And if you had the scientific genius, you would probably clone a couple of people to create that perfect mate for you.

There’s actually a movie called “Weird Science” that taught us a little bit about creating the perfect mate.  Set in the 1980s, it tells the story of two nerdish and unpopular teenage boys who get frustrated with being social outcasts and not getting any play from women, so they hack into government computers and use a program to create their perfect mate. She was a combination of a supermodel, rock star, intellectual, great cook, and she even had super human powers. They were very satisfied with their creation, especially because they became more popular and caught the attention of the girls at school. But their perfect mate soon turned on them and overused the power that they gave her – this led to total destruction.  In creating their perfect mate they did not account for the potential malfunctions or technicalities.

And do you?

Often in dating we have these grand ideas of what our perfect mate should be like – the type of hair, height, weight, complexion, what social class, income, their love making skills, type of clothes, or what church they go to.  But rarely do we consider the characteristics that last forever – their heart, their communication skills, their conflict management skills, or IS THIS SOMEBODY THAT I CAN LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY and WHO WILL LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY?

I had the opportunity to sit with the very frank Lewis Williams of iHustleNetwork.com to get his opinion on the subject.

“I think that men and women try to create their perfect mate, but what we want is a bit farfetched. My uncle said that everybody that we meet is going to have flaws so get with the person whose flaws you can deal with the most.”

Farfetched might be the right word to describe the expectations that men and women have in the dating process – so instead of dating the person – you date the idea that you have of the person – your perfect expectations. And when that person no longer fits into the scope of what your perfect mate should look like or act like, you find yourself back at square one searching for that perfect mate again. But there was a real person in the person that you were dating, a person beyond the superficial who could probably offer you those intangibles that you really need.

Many of us are guilty of the superficial images of what a perfect mate should be, especially Black men. I am from Houston and I can say that down south hip-hop played a major role in my psyche of what a perfect mate should be – yellow bone, big booty, long hair, etc.  Lewis thinks that the media “plays a real big role in our ideas of a perfect mate. It is like what you are raised to believe. The media runs America so much. The danger in that thinking is bad relationships, bad marriages, and thinking that the grass is greener.”

Lewis says that he sees “people get hurt all of the time because of the external, because that is all they want and they never think about the other stuff. What I see is that the people put so much time in somebody that they got with because of the external, and then they don’t know how to let go. They are making an investment. They try to change somebody to be their perfect mate. They don’t want to let go, and they want a return on their investment.  And when relationships decisions are based on the external and superficial, someone is bound to get hurt because perfection is in the details – the details that can’t be seen through our perfect mate lenses.”

In the movie “Weird Science,” the computer created woman turned on the boys because they did not account for certain things. Lewis says that when you “go after greed you overlook a lot of things, you don’t account for the other stuff the small things. And we need to account for the other stuff. “

These ideas of a perfect mate carry over to many relationships and marriages when one mate begins comparing the other mate to what their idea of a perfect mate should be. Women and men do it alike. "We ask our mates why you can’t be like her and when this happens I think you drive the person away. They get so frustrated with you not loving them that they leave, and  you lose them," says Lewis.

What happens if all of the stuff that you want in that perfect mate suddenly disappears – “they get sick or if everything changes? If all of the external and superficial changes, will you still want that person? That is why it is not based on the external. As a grown man you have to learn that doesn’t work,” says Lewis.

None of us are perfect, so we should not be looking for a perfect person – rather a person that is a compliment of who you are – and more importantly a person who you can love unconditionally and that will love you in the same way. It is time for many of us to throw away the superficial and external ideas of a perfect mate and begin opening ourselves up to the one who is perfect for you.

So, is there such thing as a perfect mate? Lewis Williams seems to think so, he says “Yeah, people who have been married for 20 and 40 years, they look back and would not change anything in that person. They know each other, when the other person is happy, or when the other person is sad. They know each other’s flaws and they put up with them through love.”

And what is love to Lewis, “I Corinthians 13:4-8 – that is what it is – people try to make it different, but that is what love is. No other definitions.”

So keep your list of what your perfect mate should be, but make sure that it is based on the tangibles instead of the superficial. We all know what superficial ideas of a perfect mate get us – superficial mates and superficial lives. And that is weird science!

BTW: I would combine Jada Pinkett-Smith, Lauryn Hill, Angela Davis, and Eva Pigford.

 Faniel is a contributing writer for Regal Black Men's Magazine.

This article was published on Thursday 12 November, 2009.
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